Jesus in Traffic

My wife and I were on our way to work this morning, sitting in very heavy traffic on Lakeshore Drive. It was drizzling rain, which in Chicago means that traffic slows to almost a complete standstill. We were attempting to switch from the far right to one of the middle lanes in an attempt to avoid the two lanes of traffic "merging" in from the on-ramps. My wife flips on the left turn signal, and we wait. And we wait. And we wait. Cars to our left see the signal as a threat that another vehicle is trying to disrupt their progress and their entitled area of space, so they speed up and lock bumpers to prevent any ingress. It's a very efficient system if everyone participates. We jerks in the right lane are always trying to pull this crazy shit, and we need to be stopped. That is, until we graduate to one of the lanes of privilege and honor, at which time we gain a position of great power and responsibility.

At one point I thought we almost had it. I saw a tiny opening of pavement. Almost instantaneously, the large white SUV that had been slacking behind, sped up and quickly blocked our path. As they pulled ahead, I noticed there was a "What Would Jesus Do?" sticker proudly displayed on their bumper. I thought it brought up a very valid question.

Well, Mister White SUV, I believe I can answer this one. See, I know Jesus very well. So here's how I see it:

Jesus would have gotten up late and rushed his way down Lakeshore in his urban assualt vehicle. He would have been jabbering away on his cell phone, probably conferring with St. Peter or Jude, setting things up for another day of ruling humanity. Now there's a city ordinance in Chicago that prohibits the use of cell phones in a moving vehicle without the use of a headset, but hey, this is the Son of God. Do they really think Jesus gives a damn about the rules? Rules apply to others. And besides, everybody else is doing it. What are they going to do? Pull us all over?

At this point, Jesus would have seen one of his loyal and loving subjects in the Kingdom of God, trying to get out of the purgatory of the right lane. But Jesus would not allow this. He controls the middle lane merely by his existence in it. And this lane space has been bestowed upon him by the Almighty Father in Heaven. Besides, Jesus is late for work already, and doesn't have time for this coutesy bullshit.

We can all learn from the teachings of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As a tribute, I called his name out with great enthusiasm during this time, and again later when we were cut off at our exit by an Asian cab driver.