Making a Difference

It's time for my newest, least-favorite expression: "Making a Difference"!

Apparently this is the hottest of the hot new catch-phrases sweeping the nation. I've heard it on the news three times in the past 24 hours, and read about it twice on the internet. This Saturday is actually "Making a Difference Day", according to usaweekend.com. NBC Nightly News has a weekly segment about making a difference which they have cleverly entitled "Making a Difference".

At this point, I was going to list some of the numerous other organizations which have an event or feature labeled "Making a Difference", but I can't. Please go to Google and type those words in, hit enter, and you'll understand why. This phrase is all over our floor like David Hasselhof's cheeseburger.

So what does it mean? Well, within the currently accepted context, it equates to some sort of community service, but apparently the term "community service" is not longer hip, ya dig? The full and legal name is "Making a Difference in the Community". (Don't forget to over-pronounce the T) Because it's all about the communiTEE.

Now, hold on. I'm not against community service. I think it's very useful and nice, as well as a fantastic deterrent to misdemeanor crime. (Or felonies if you're a recognizable celebrity) What I hate with a passion are these phrases that everyone adopts and repeats over and over and over without ever really thinking about, or further defining what they mean. I have a certain amount of tolerance for the herd mentality because I realize it's an integral part of a consumer-driven, capitalist environment. The less you think, the more you follow along and chant the same song, the more crap you're going to buy because other people have it. And I'm all for a healthy economy, even if it means dumbing ourselves down and firghtening ourselves into submission by the potential danger that only online shopping and pharmaceuticals can vanquish. What? Do you think I hate America or something? Do you think I'm taking this a bit too far? After all, we're just talking about making a difference in the communiTEE.

We're sheep-zombies. We're the undead souls of sheep, cursed to wander the Earth and consume the brains of the living. This is why everyone in America can roll off the saying "15 minutes of fame", and "Your 15 minutes is nearly up", fully believing that some scientist somewhere in Sweden figured this out as a scientific principle. Yes, you are all entitled to 15 minutes of fame, minimum. If you've managed to read this drivel up to this point, you're probably in the minority who realize it's origin is some obscure quote by Andy Warhol from almost 40 years ago. Andy Warhol. A ridiculous, crackpot artist who was rambling incoherently in 1968, still (mis) quoted today by the zombie masses.

Sometimes these clever sayings catch on, but then are corrected by the Pussification Dept. censors and altered as not to become offensive. (See previous blog entry) For example, remember when someone made up the cute expression "My Better Half", to describe the person with whom they were involved in a romantic relationship? But, the Pussy Master said, "Hold on, y'all. How can we say one person is better?", and another said, "Yeah, and if someone is your half, it means you aren't WHOLE, man! That ain't cool." And so was born the lovely description, "Significant Other". What the fuck? "My Better Half" sounded like a term of endearment. "Significant Other" sounds like lab results. There wasn't a law enacted that states you need to be absolutely literal in your description of your mate. I'd rather someone asked me if I had a "Breathing Fuckhole" than a "Significant Other". At least I'd know what they meant.

So let's look at "Making a Difference in the Community". What does it mean? To me, it's somewhat vague, in the sense that it doesn't specify what type or amount of difference is being applied. So in effect, I could go out and set a building on fire, and I could claim I had made a difference in the community. The difference? There's a smoldering hole where Bob's Clam Shack used to be. That's a difference. But the term is vague, and that's the new cool. Vague is the new Hip-Hop.

With that in mind, here are some cool new descriptions and their definitions that I would like to submit to the masses of zombsheeps for instantaneous approval and adoption:

"Doing the Something" - You aren't doing nothing. You're working and then going home. You're Doing the Something.

"Riding On It" - You aren't really pedaling. You create no locomotion.

"Taking a Piece" - You're putting your hand in the jar, but leaving some jellybeans for the guy....who comes in here sometimes.

"Starting the Car" - You're starting your car.

"Bringing the" - You're bringing something somewhere for some reason. Nobody knows what, where, or why. But you're ROCKIN' it! "Dude, I'm "Bringing The" for the CommuniTEE".

"Uh..." - You're helping a friend move out of pure guilt, because he's asked like twenty people and everyone has plans that Sunday afternoon, and you know they're all just going to be jerking off at home and nursing hangovers, which is what you'd like to be doing, but you happened to be the last one he asked, and now you're stuck, and besides, you're going to be moving in three months and you know you're going to be in the same situation. In the communiTEE.