Welcome to My World

Hi, welcome to Earth. We're a giant spinning sphere of dirt that circles around that big fireball you see over there. We call ourselves humans. We're the fastest evolving and smartest animals on Earth. We were made by a guy named God, who's our boss. We used to be what's known as a monkey, but we got promoted, given bigger brains and a soul, and now we're like the boss of everything else. Feel free to look around. I'd be happy to answer any questions.

So God made you... who made all this other stuff?

Oh, God made that stuff too. He made the whole thing.

What did he make it out of?

Um, we don't know, really. We think he made it out of nothing, I guess. I don't know.

So tell me about this God guy. Who is he? Why did he make all this stuff?

As far as we know, he's an indefinable entity who's taken the form of a male, caucasian homosapien, and he made earth to amuse himself. You know, like a hobby.

Why did God promote you guys? What exactly was the reason?

Well, I think it's probably because we look exactly like God. But you know, he did that on purpose. He made us to look like him.

So you guys are like mini-Gods?

Yeah, I guess you could say that. We're kinda like a bunch of little God Assistants.

What kind of work have you done here for God?

Well, we've populated the earth. This is called being "fruitful". We've established our domination over all the other animals. We've gone around and told other humans who didn't know about God that they need to know about God. We've harnessed the elements to power machines in order to eliminate stress and effort from our existence. We recite ritualistic chants towards God, and we do some light typing and filing.

And God finds this helpful? This is what he assigns you to do?

You bet!

And so what is God doing while you're taking care of all his work on earth?

Um... I don't know. I assume he's creating stuff or doing miracles or something.

How do you know what assignments you have, day to day? Does God call a staff meeting?

Well, no. We get written orders from a long time ago, by some guys who talked to him.

Really? How long ago?

Oh, a couple thousand years I guess. No one really knows.

And who are these guys?

Well, some of them were written by these guys called Disciples. But the rest, we really don't know.

So you work based on assignments written thousands of years ago by someone you've never heard of?

Yeah.

And this person got his orders from God?

Yes. Well... that's what he says...in the papers.

Why doesn't God write some new papers? You know, update the old papers?

Oh, because he's testing us!

Why is he testing you?

To see if we make the right decisions.

You mean he thinks there's a chance you might not?

Yeah.

Do you think there's a flaw in your design? Are you a prototype...a test version?

No, absolutely not. God made us perfectly. God is perfect, ya know. So everything he makes is perfect.

So...why the test?

What do you mean?

I mean, this God guy is perfect, right? He could make a perfect version of you the first time.

Oh, we're not perfect.

So God didn't make you perfect?

Nope.

Why not?

Because he wanted us to have a free will.

What does that mean?

It means we can decide whatever we want.

But you still have to do these assignments, right?

Well, yes.

Can you choose not to do them?

I guess we can. Yes.

What happens if you chose not to do the assignments?

Well, when we die, we are handed over to this guy Satan, who takes us into a big underground cave and burns us in fire.

Ouch! For how long?

Forever.

Forever?! What the hell?

Yeah, that's the joint.

So this God guy is really harsh, huh?

Yeah, but he loves us.

OK, tell me a little bit about these other animals living on your planet.

Well, these other animals are put here by our boss, God, for our personal use. We can use them as a food source, have them work for us, kill them if they annoy us, etc.

God loves you more than them, I guess.

Oh yeah. we have a soul and they don't.

What's a soul?

It's a thing inside our bellies that brings us to heaven.

What's heaven?

God's home office, pretty much. There's lots of room there, but only for good people.

No animals there, huh?

Nope, not a one.

So to summarize, you live on this spinning ball of dirt, where you were put by a guy named God to do some of his work. But he's really testing you to see if you'll be good or bad. And even though he could have constructed you perfectly, he didn't, because he wants some of you to go to an underground cave and burn forever in fire, while all the rest get to go to his home office and hang out. And the work he's given you was all written down by some dead guys two thousand years ago who supposedly met God, but he hasn't met with anyone or updated the orders since then. But he did give you a supply of other animals to kill and eat and enslave for your amusement. Is that about right?

Yes.

Have you ever net this God guy?

No, not personally.

Do you know anyone who has?

No...

How do you know he's there? Maybe the guy left or something.

I guess he could have. I'd have no way of knowing.

Have you ever tried to contact him?

Yes, every day.

And...?

Well, nothing so far. But I know he's busy.

And what about this Satan guy. Ever met him?

Well, no. But I have seen him. He does a t.v. show on Fox. Calls himself... "O'Reilly".

Weird.

Yeah.